things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
