Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
