you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
