i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
