I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
