Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
