The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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