My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
