You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
