he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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