the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
