Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
