I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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