You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
