booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
