the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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