I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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