I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
