She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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