normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
