capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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