I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
