Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
