I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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