You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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