My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
