i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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