the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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