somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
