My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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