Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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