Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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