So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize