All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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