I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
