My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
