im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
