Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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