You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
