I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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