he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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