remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
