apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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