dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
