if i can run in heels then i can drive
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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