dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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