youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
