One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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