You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
