I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
